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Have you ever gone through grief and loss? And, how did you deal with it?

As I mentioned last week, I attended two functions that explored the subject of grief and loss. The recurring theme of both portrayed grief and loss as universal and no one way to deal with it. So how can we deal with a loss?

I spoke to a Transitions Coach from Baltimore, Maryland, Mrs. Ida Crawford, for some thoughts and ideas. She said, "that grief and loss are a part of life and how someone goes through it determines how they come out. If you bottle up those feelings, you can get stuck and that's the wrong way." She talked about the hardest loss being the loss of a child, as one "can lose all hope in life when that happens. Sadness is okay just be mindful of how long you stay in grief." I asked her if she thought there was a certain amount of time, and she said it's an individual pace, but to stay aware, and "don't let your life dwindle away." Often feelings of guilt can arise, but, the bottom line is, "when our day comes, it has nothing to do with us. By accepting the inenvitibility, you can come to terms with it and move on without being consumed."

It seems any words of wisdom during times of loss are needed. Any comfort important. Please share.

Grief and Loss

Last week, I wrote about  my feelings as I slowly lose my mother to illness and age. I told of finding solace through a walk and in nature. Looking back, I note that my meditative walks always bring me relief.  But yet, I am still very aware of the emptiness.

The feelings of grief and loss are universal. We all know them, feel them, and wonder what to do with them. We look for words and ways to overcome the emptiness and disruption it causes in our lives. If only there was a clearly defined way to address these feelings.

Yesterday, I attended a program on grief and loss. The speaker, David Underwood, LCSW, BCD, spoke about the phenoemon, the variety of losses experienced throughout a life cycle, approaches to coping, and how Adlerian Psychology applies. Among the many losses are, the loss of youth, death of a loved one, the loss of health, the loss of a dream, death due to suicide, loss of possessions, loss of hope, catastrophic losses, etc. He suggested that each individual's perspectives and experiences will effect how they cope. He talked about finding sources of strength, like in spiritual or religious beliefs, friends and family, groups, or professional services. Also, he discussed attaching meaning to losses with questions like: Is suffering always senseless or are we strengthened by the experience? Does everything happen for a reason? There was much more to the program all of which invites discussion and information.

I feel compelled to devote a series of posts to the topic of grief and loss. I invite responses and perspectives on the subject.

I ask life why?

I'm thinking of how my mother is slowly fading with illness and age.  I watch.  As uncertainty and unrest envelope me, I decide to leave her side for respite.  There is a walking trail nearby and I go for a walk.  The brisk air revives me and I speak to life, asking why?  It responds with the wind and a chirping bird.

As I walk, my thoughts on my mom, I consider the things left unsaid, undone, and unresolved.  I ask life why?  I hear the wind and the chirping bird.

My pace increases and I begin to cry.  I thank God I have a tissue to wipe my tears and blow my nose.  I think about the people I love, the people I know, and the people I have known.  I realize my love is deep, my experiences many.  I again, ask life why?  I recognize the wind and the chirping bird.

I continue the pace.  I take deep breaths and feel my body respond with vigor and splendor and I smile.  I remember my mother loved to go on walks.  She always said, "I love the wind in my face!"  I do too, mom.
I don't ask why, for I understand.

I walk slowly.  As I embrace the strength, teachings, memories, and wisdom of my mother, I ask life why?
It reveals something grand to sustain me.  My mother, a walk, the wind, and the chirping birds. I find calm.

Honor

Quick is a measure of how often we discredit our abilities and our worth. Often we do it in our thoughts about another in regard to their ability, appearance, beliefs, etc. We pronounce by silent disclosure or aloud, our discontentment with ourselves and others. The idea  that we must meet some grand expectation, that usually we create, is a belief we somehow embrace and allow to guide our perspective.

A shift provides an opportunity to change a perspective by questioning the validity of the thinking and expectation. A decision to reevaluate current opinions and replace them with alternative ideas. For example, instead of being quick to discredit ourselves or another, what if, instead, we were to honor ourselves and each other. Honor our abilities and call ourselves worthwhile and honor each other as being worthwhile.

To honor is to respect. It's applicable always, not just when one thinks of religion or country. Maybe,  including words that reflect higher ideals into our daily thoughts will portray a distinctive demeanor. With a daily behavior of honoring oneself and others.

So, shall we honor or discredit?

In close contact

I remember thinking about how I want my life to be. My mental pictures portrayed a life full of challenge and excitment along with passion and friendship. As a look back, all that has occurred. So, it's true what they say: our thoughts create our reality. The quote that comes to mind is:  "You will never become who you want to by remaining who you are."

Having said that I say, what are you thinking about your life? What are your mental pictures? Who are you now and what will you become?

They are noteworthy questions to ponder and I commit to staying in close contact with the question, what it means, how it develops, the images I create, and the possible outcomes. They may change from time to time as I reinvent my image. Like you, I will think hard about what is possible and remember this quote: "Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined." Leo Rosten.

Imagine your life... Stay in close contact with the image for it's creating your future.

Those tiny shifts

Looking back at the times when you didn't take action, what did you learn about yourself? What results do you wish had occured but didn't?

With those questions in mind, think about those chances that were available for action:

-Your sitting at your desk trying to decide whether to email the information you promised or, do it later, then you typed another email.
-Your at the doorway, hesitating, should I take that item to a friend in need? Then, you walk out the door without it.
-Someone says something to you that astounds you, but, rather than speak up, you remain silent.

Those missed moments when a small action, helping another, speaking out, would have been a shift that  changed outcomes, perhaps set you apart, or sparked awareness. We all do it and think, "I wish I did that."
It's those tiny shifts that can cause small differences and make changes for the better.

This week, pay attention and be aware of those times when you can "shift" into something greater or allow for something more for yourself or another. See how it feels.

What about you?

I have moments when I wonder, what about me:
-doesn't meet standards?
-doesn't fit in?
-doesn't measure up?
-needs changed, rearranged?
-wants to cry, stop, just give up?

Then, I realize, we all ask ourselves that question.

Our culture is tough on us, with  expectations galore. Our expectations are hard on us, with internal wants, beliefs.

If you take some quiet time, away from all the expectations-all the questions, what will be revealed?
Would you realize things about you that:
-measure up?
-manage everything?
-handle all difficulties?
-helps others?
-keep going no matter what?
-keeps faith, courage, and enthusiam close?

There's an energy shift when you consider the positive. You feel hopeful and imagine possibilities.

 I think I'll focus on what's good about me. What about you?